just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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