I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Banned from zoo.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.