im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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