he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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