Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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