Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
