dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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