Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
