Welp...herpes.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
PS: I just woke up from my shower
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
