Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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