I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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