I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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