Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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