my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
