I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
