Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
