i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
