Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
