Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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