we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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