I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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