my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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