On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's never too late to be topless.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
