I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
His hands were made for my vagina.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
