you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
