well I can't set my house on fire every night
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
