I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
