I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
