Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
