Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
