My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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