just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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