Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize