im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
