Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This house was built for laser tag.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
