Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
dude. I can hear the air.
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