yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize