ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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