he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
