I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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