I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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