i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
