I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
