Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
