I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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