All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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