So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
