All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
What a dumb baby whore.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
