Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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