did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
