there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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