yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
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Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
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No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.