I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
