I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
