Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
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I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
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Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.