I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
