Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
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